ALAN:  So, the Romulans asked their Federation prisoner, "Why do
all your expendable ensigns wear red uniforms?"  The prisoner
thought about the question for a moment and then said, "It's
strictly a morale issue... We'd love for our ensigns to wear blue or
white... but you see, the red covers up all the blood quite
nicely.   So... if their superior has been mortally wounded, they'll
never know.  And what they don't know can't hurt them."  
Impressed by the answer, the Romulans retreated, and brought
this piece of information to the attention of the Romulan Senate.  
The Senate was also impressed, and  from that day forward, all
Romulan soldiers wore brown pants...

MATTHEW: I had no idea.

ALAN:  It's a little known fact...
ERIN: I hate to interrupt this little conversation of yours, Alan,
but a small craft has just dropped out of warp behind us...  They
are flashing sirens.

ALAN: It's only been 6.4 minutes!  Nothing bad can happen yet!

ERIN: Shit happens, little buddy....  And they are still flashing
sirens.  They are instructing us to pull over to the side of the star
system.

ALAN: We're being pulled over???

MATTHEW: So it would seem.  I suggest we drop out of warp.

ALAN: Arg... Make it so!
ERIN: The Space Police are demanding we have our drivers'
liscence and registration ready.

ALAN:  It's in the glove compartment, I think.

MATTHEW: I have got it....  Greetings, Neelar.  No dialogue yet,
eh?  We were really rooting for you during hiatus.

ALAN: Yeah, we almost thought about going on strike until you
got a few lines.  But then you'd probably think you needed a
paycheck... and then one thing would lead to another... and
EVERYONE aboard the ship would want lines and a paycheck.  And
on THIS budget...
OFFICER: So, you think you're above the law, eh?  Well, I saw you
run that stop sign.

ALAN: A stop sign?  Where the hell was it?

OFFICER: At the corner of the Praxis Nebula and Monac System.  
And you went right through without even yielding.

ALAN: Well it was behind the nebula!  I couldn't even see it!

OFFICER: Tell it to the judge...  Oh yeah, and another thing--do
you know how FAST you went through that stop sign?

ALAN:  ...Warp 8.5?

OFFICER:  Warp 8.57, actually.  ...And, do you happen to know
what the speed limit is around these parts, son?  I do believe it's
warp 6.0...  That's quite an infraction....
OFFICER: Eekum Bokum!!

LUCAS: Damn, what a terrible time for my phaser to have a freak
misfire...

ALAN:  Great... Just great, Lucas.  Now you've done it...  Look at
the stains this guy is going to leave on our new GRAY carpeting!!  I
tell you, if I have to turn this starship around and head back to
Empire Carpet World, there is going to be ten kinds of hell...
KENDALL: Hey, Erin... I'm picking up something strange on sensors.

ERIN:  It's probably just more space police.  We'll probably all be
in prison by the end of act three.

KENDALL: Actually, I think this might be something else...
TALYERE: So what should we do with the body?  Vaporize it?  Or
place it into some sort of stasis, just in case Commander Harrison
has another unfortunate accident during Act Two?  I hear that
bad things are coming..and one can never be too careful.

ERIN: And speaking of bad things... Alan, we might have a bit of
trouble.  There's a Borg Cube on sensors, and it's on a direct
intercept course!!

ALAN: On screen!
BORG: WE ARE THE BORG.  EXISTENCE AS YOU KNOW IT MIGHT BE
OVER.  RESISTANCE IS NOT RECOMMENDED.  PLEASE LOWER YOUR
SHIELDS AND ESCORT US TO YOUR CHEESE DOODLES.  WE HIGHLY
SUGGEST YOU COMPLY; IF YOU DO NOT COMPLY, WE WILL HANG
UP AND TRY AGAIN.
MATTHEW: Red alert!  Red alert!!

ALAN: Where are my brown pants??

BORG: We are the Borg.  If you are interested in being assimilated,
press one.  If you want to know more about life in the collective,
press two... If you...

LUCAS: Is that a wooden leg?

BORG: It is, actually.  You see, the collective ran out of
cybernetic parts just after I signed up.  They wouldn't even sever
my arm to house my energy tube, so now I have to hold it all
time.  Things have REALLY gone downhill since the Borg Queen
died...
BORG: Hey, I'm gonna do rummage around in your computer for a
bit.  Don't mind me...

Anyway, where was I?  The Queen?  Yeah... Well, you see, after
the first Queen died, we had no problem signing up another.  But
THEN, she died again in "Dark Frontier."  So we did some
searching... and found ANOTHER Borg Queen...  But she died in
"Endgame."  Damn Janeway.  Anyway, the popularity of the
position has really gone downhill since then.  We're pretty much a
leaderless bunch of zombies, now.  Our counsellor says need to
adapt to changing times, so we're trying to make the whole
"assimilation" thing much more user friendly.  We've even got some
brightly colored cybernetic body parts for the little kids.  In fact,
I like the neon pink injection tubules so much, I just might get a
few pair for myself...
LUCAS: Hey, Bator.  You're the security officer!  Why don't you
do something?

BATOR: Well, you're the one with the phaser....  Besides, I'm kind
of interested in these pink injection tubules... I wonder if they
come in green...

TALYERE: Fear not, I have a plan!
ALAN: Hey, watch my chair!!  I just had it reupholstered!
BORG: So THIS is what we get for providing excellent customer
service...  I mean, here we are, trying to make an honest living,
and you Federation-types just come along and flatten us with a
Space Police Tricycle!  You didn't even let me tell you about the
exciting window treatments we can add to your ship if you submit
it for assimilation!  I was thinking pastels for this room, maybe a
little beige down under... and a nice little candelabra treatment
in some of the corridors.  Oh, it would just be SO happy, happy,
happy!
BORG: And you know, just in case you don't think you need our
assistance, well, the Borg can help all you do-it-yourselfers learn
how to do things the right way... you know, yourself!
...Oh, and this is SUCH a fabulous waste basket.  Where did you
get it?  It just tickles me pink to think I'll be spending the rest of  
my life in here!

ALAN: Actually, we plan on throwing you out the nearest airlock
as soon as possible.  And... you can take our friendly
neighborhood Space Policeman with you.  As a gift...
ALAN: It pains me to say it... but we are going to have to infiltrate
that drone's ship and restore the collective to its former glory.

MATTHEW: I'll lead the away team.
TALYERE: Are you sure about that, Commander?

MATTHEW: ...Why?

LUCAS:  Act Two...

MATTHEW: Again?

TALYERE: Sorry...