Act II: "Infiltration"
ALAN: What? Ugg!! I must be having a bad dream!
PETER JACKSON: Alan, no! It's not a dream! We need you down on the set
right away! The Federation is in grave danger!
ALAN: Again? Didn't we just save the galaxy from the Borg in the previous
PETER JACKSON: Well... Yes... But this is an even greater threat!
ALAN: Ahh, well, I'm not interested. I've got better things to do today.
PETER JACKSON: Like what?
ALAN: Sleep. I'm calling in sick.
PETER JACKSON: Please! I'll... I'll double your pay!
ALAN: So what is this threat? Somebody is trying to conquer the Federation
using three waffle irons, a Sumatran tapir, and five wooden toothpick
carvings of Elvis circa 1977?
PETER JACKSON: No...
ALAN: Well, since I'm getting double pay, I don't give a rat's ass about this
PETER JACKSON: Alan, we sort of need you on the set. Now. The Federation
is in great peril!
ALAN: I'm almost done with my coffee...
PETER JACKSON: Now!!!
ALAN: ...my neighbor's monkey is shitting on my lawn again, and now Mister
Jackson thinks I'm going to save the Federation. Again. I'm telling you,
Matthew, a man can only do so much. I think I might retire after this
MATTHEW: Well, at least you have a lawn. I have perished in every single
one of these low-budget Lego Adventures! I can barely afford to pay rent
on that small cardboard box next to the police station!
ALAN: Hey, that reminds me, have you seen the script for Act V?
MATTHEW: No, why do you ask?
ALAN: ... ... ... No reason.
ALAN: So, what is this dire threat to the Federation?
ERIN: Um... a small vessel has just dropped out of warp behind us. They are
ALAN: Erin... I think you read the script for "Borg of the Rings" by mistake.
ERIN: Ahh, that's why nothing in this scene made sense. So it looks like I
don't have any idea what this dangerous new threat is, Alan.
KENDALL: We're screwed.
BATOR: I am detecting some strange readings on deck two. They might be
worth checking out...
ALAN: Nah. I don't really feel like chasing down any threats this episode.
Just ignore it. In fact, I think I might go on break...
MATTHEW: Oh, an excellent idea!
|STINKY PETE: Arrived, we have!
NEFUARAK: Man... this ship has ugly carpet.
STINKY PETE: Indeed. Well, I hope you don't mind... I brought a tactical
squad with me. Nelson and Thor are some of Master Ganondorf's finest evil
THOR: Hehehehehehehe.... Guess what, Nefuarak? I'm gonna have fun on
THOR: I'm going to Cedar Point on December 18!
NELSON: What.... what... wha-wha-what-.....What time is it?
NEFUARAK: ...........Time for you to get a watch.
THOR: Hey, Pete! Pete, you know him? You know Master Ganondorf?
PETE: I work for him. So do you.
THOR: Is he coming December 18? To Cedar Point?
NEFUARAK: Nelson, come on. We have to get to main engineering so that
Stinky Pete can disable the warp core.
NELSON: But... but... I... I.... I... I haven't had my break yet.
NEFUARAK: What? You haven't had your break?
NELSON: No. I didn't go yet.
NEFUARAK: Why didn't you go BEFORE we left the Evil Lair? Cripe. Change
in plans, guys... We're going to the mess hall!
NEFUARAK: Just act natural. The crew will never suspect a thing.
THOR: Nefuarak, I don't want you talking to him no more. I don't want you
talking to Ray!
THOR: Ray Sacamano! You know him?
NELSON: ...Anything... Anything... interesting in the paper?
NEFUARAK: Paper? What paper? I don't have a newspaper!
THOR: You coming December 18? You coming, Nefuarak, to Cedar Point?
NEFUARAK: ... I wish I had a weapon!
THOR: How come?
ALAN: Man, this pizza is pretty good. Don't you think so expendable
crewman with no name?
CREWMAN: ...... .... At least you're honest.
ALAN: I don't want you getting your hopes up. Like it or not, I *AM* the
star of the show. It wouldn't be Star Trek: The Final Frontier without Alan
Christopher at the helm! The women just howl every time I take off my
shirt. Though, amazingly, that didn't actually happen until Season Five.
CREWMAN: That is almost interesting.
BATOR: Nobody move! I have reason to believe there are intruders
somewhere on Deck Two!
NEFUARAK: Oh, that is terrible!
CHEF: Get me a pancreas!
THOR: Hey! Bator! You coming December 18?
NEFUARAK: Shut up!
BATOR: Who are you?
THOR: I'm Thor! I'm gonna have fun on December 18! Cedar Point!!! Do you
like rides, Bator?
BATOR: What? I don't have time for this...
ALAN: Bator, I told you not to go looking for trouble! Now you're
interrupting everyone's dinner!
BATOR: I am sorry, Captain, but it needs to be done. The Federation is
allegedly in grave danger!
ALAN: For the billionth time.
BATOR: Sir, have you seen anyone suspicious recently?
THOR: I talked to Ray Sacamano! You know him? You know Ray?
BATOR: No... is he a threat?
THOR: Him? Hehehehe. I don't know.
BATOR: He must be on the ship somewhere...
NEFUARAK: That's it. We're leaving!
ALAN: I don't blame you, man! I just want to take my break in peace and
NELSON: But... but.... but... I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I still have five more minutes!
NEFUARAK: Tough. We need to get going. We have to meet up with Stinky
Pete and get to main engineering!
NELSON: So, Nefuarak, do you have a girlfriend yet?
NEFUARAK: WHAT???? No! Now get your ass out of that chair right NOW!
ALAN CHRISTOPHER'S SHAG PAD