Act II: "Infiltration"
Return to Main
ALAN:  What?  Ugg!!  I must be having a bad dream!  

PETER JACKSON:  Alan, no!  It's not a dream!  We need you down on the set
right away!  The Federation is in grave danger!

ALAN:  Again?  Didn't we just save the galaxy from the Borg in the previous
episode?

PETER JACKSON:  Well... Yes...  But this is an even greater threat!

ALAN:  Ahh, well, I'm not interested.  I've got better things to do today.

PETER JACKSON:  Like what?  

ALAN:  Sleep.  I'm calling in sick.

PETER JACKSON:  Please!  I'll... I'll double your pay!
ALAN:  So what is this threat?  Somebody is trying to conquer the Federation
using three waffle irons, a Sumatran tapir, and five wooden toothpick
carvings of Elvis circa 1977?

PETER JACKSON:  No...

ALAN:  Well, since I'm getting double pay, I don't give a rat's ass about this
threat.  

PETER JACKSON:  Alan, we sort of need you on the set.  Now.  The Federation
is in great peril!

ALAN:  I'm almost done with my coffee...

PETER JACKSON:  Now!!!
ALAN:  ...my neighbor's monkey is shitting on my lawn again, and now Mister
Jackson thinks I'm going to save the Federation.  Again.  I'm telling you,
Matthew, a man can only do so much.  I think I might retire after this
episode.  

MATTHEW:  Well, at least you
have a lawn.  I have perished in every single
one of these low-budget Lego Adventures!  I can barely afford to pay rent
on that small cardboard box next to the police station!

ALAN:  Hey, that reminds me, have you seen the script for Act V?

MATTHEW:  No, why do you ask?

ALAN: ... ... ... No reason.
ALAN:  So, what is this dire threat to the Federation?

ERIN:  Um... a small vessel has just dropped out of warp behind us.  They are
flashing sirens.

KENDALL: ???

ALAN:  Erin... I think you read the script for "Borg of the Rings" by mistake.

ERIN:  Ahh, that's why nothing in this scene made sense.  So it looks like I
don't have any idea what this dangerous new threat is, Alan.  

KENDALL:  We're screwed.

ALAN:  Probably.
BATOR:  I am detecting some strange readings on deck two.  They might be
worth checking out...
ALAN:  Nah.  I don't really feel like chasing down any threats this episode.  
Just ignore it.  In fact, I think I might go on break...

MATTHEW:  Oh, an excellent idea!
STINKY PETE:  Arrived, we have!

NEFUARAK:  Man... this ship has ugly carpet.

STINKY PETE:  Indeed.  Well, I hope you don't mind... I brought a tactical
squad with me.  Nelson and Thor are some of Master Ganondorf's finest evil
henchpersons.

THOR:  Hehehehehehehe.... Guess what, Nefuarak?  I'm gonna have fun on
December 18.

NEFUARAK:  What?

THOR:  I'm going to Cedar Point on December 18!

NELSON:  What.... what... wha-wha-what-.....What time is it?

NEFUARAK:  ...........Time for you to get a watch.

NELSON:  ...Oh.
THOR:  Hey, Pete!  Pete, you know him?  You know Master Ganondorf?

PETE:  I work for him.  So do you.

THOR:  Is he coming December 18?  To Cedar Point?



NEFUARAK:  Nelson, come on.  We have to get to main engineering so that
Stinky Pete can disable the warp core.

NELSON:  But... but... I... I.... I... I haven't had my break yet.

NEFUARAK:  What?  You haven't had your break?

NELSON:  No.  I didn't go yet.

NEFUARAK:  Why didn't you go BEFORE we left the Evil Lair?  Cripe.  Change
in plans, guys... We're going to the mess hall!
NEFUARAK:  Just act natural.  The crew will never suspect a thing.

THOR:  Nefuarak, I don't want you talking to him no more.  I don't want you
talking to Ray!

NEFUARAK:  Who?

THOR:  Ray Sacamano!  You know him?

NEFUARAK: No...

NELSON:  ...Anything... Anything... interesting in the paper?

NEFUARAK:  Paper?  What paper?  I don't have a newspaper!

NELSON: ...Oh...

THOR:  You coming December 18?  You coming, Nefuarak, to Cedar Point?

NEFUARAK:  ... I wish I had a weapon!

THOR:  How come?
ALAN:  Man, this pizza is pretty good.  Don't you think so expendable
crewman with no name?

CREWMAN:  ...... .... At least you're honest.

ALAN:  I don't want you getting your hopes up.  Like it or not, I *AM* the
star of the show.  It wouldn't be Star Trek: The Final Frontier without Alan
Christopher at the helm!  The women just howl every time I take off my
shirt.  Though, amazingly, that didn't actually happen until Season Five.

CREWMAN:  That is almost interesting.
BATOR:  Nobody move!  I have reason to believe there are intruders
somewhere on Deck Two!

NEFUARAK:  Oh, that is terrible!

CHEF:  Get me a pancreas!

THOR:  Hey!  Bator!  You coming December 18?

NEFUARAK:  Shut up!

BATOR:  Who are you?

THOR:  I'm Thor!  I'm gonna have fun on December 18!  Cedar Point!!!  Do you
like rides, Bator?

BATOR:  What?  I don't have time for this...
ALAN:  Bator, I told you not to go looking for trouble!  Now you're
interrupting everyone's dinner!

BATOR:  I am sorry, Captain, but it needs to be done.  The Federation is
allegedly in grave danger!

ALAN:  For the billionth time.

BATOR:  Sir, have you seen anyone suspicious recently?

THOR:  I talked to Ray Sacamano!  You know him?  You know Ray?

BATOR:  No... is he a threat?

THOR:  Him?  Hehehehe.  I don't know.

BATOR:  He must be on the ship somewhere...
NEFUARAK:  That's it.  We're leaving!

ALAN:  I don't blame you, man!  I just want to take my break in peace and
quiet!

NELSON:  But... but.... but... I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I still have five more minutes!

NEFUARAK:  Tough.  We need to get going.  We have to meet up with Stinky
Pete and get to main engineering!

NELSON:  So, Nefuarak, do you have a girlfriend yet?

NEFUARAK:  WHAT????  No!  Now get your ass out of that chair right NOW!
Act III:  Main Engineering
ALAN CHRISTOPHER'S SHAG PAD