Act III: "Main Engineering"
Return to Main
ERIN:  Hmm...

ANGELA:  Goo!!!!
LUCAS:  Boy, Main Engineering sure looks a lot like the mess hall.  But maybe
it's just me...   I guess we should... do some shit to the warp core.  Like oil
it, or something.  Whatever.   Just...  Hey, do you guys smell something?

CREWMAN:  Now that you mention it...
STINKY PETE:  Die, bastards!

THOR:  Hey!  Hey!  Lucas!  Guess what?  Two more days until.... Happy
Birthday to you... Happy Birthday to you... Happy Birthday Dear Lucas!  
Happy Birthday to you!  Sixty-Four years old!

LUCAS: It's not my birthday!  What the hell is going on here?   And what is
that STENCH?

STINKY PETE:  I'm taking over your ship, bastard!  

LUCAS:  And you're using a pitchfork, a mummy, and some dope carrying a
balloon flag?  Right...
[cue overdramatic action music]

LUCAS:  You'll never take this ship!  The line must be drawn here!  This far
and no further!  

THOR:  Happy Birthday Lucas Tompkins!

STINKY PETE:  Smell my wrath, bastards!  I haven't bathed since 1987!  I've
been wearing this shirt since 1993!  And I found it in a garbage dump!  And
this brown pitchfork isn't made of wood... if you catch my drift.  And you
should, because it's a visible green stench cloud.
NEFUARAK:  We need to get into the battle.  Come, Nelson.

NELSON:  But... But... It's time for me to go home.  I leave at three o' clock.

NEFUARAK:  What?  It's 2:59!  Cripe!  Master Ganondorf will kill me if you get
overtime!  On this budget we can't afford that!

NELSON:  I'd... I'd better go!

NEFUARAK:  No, that would take too much time!  We need to get you off the
clock... NOW!

NELSON:  But... but...

NEFUARAK:  Quick, get shot by a phaser beam!  That's the only way to
prevent overtime pay!

NELSON:  But...
NELSON:  Argh!
NEFUARAK:  I won't miss her...  Him.  It...
KENDALL:  Commander Harrison... there is apparently a "disturbance" in
main engineering.

MATTHEW:  Of what sort?

KENDALL:  That is a good question...
STINKY PETE:  Die bastards!  Die!  Your mothers are ugly and their feet
stink!  And if you do not die within the next five seconds, I will have to insult
you again!

NEFUARAK:  Your ship... is... ours...  Really.  Just give up now, so I don't get
fired.


LUCAS:  What the hell are they doing?

CREWMAN:  I think they're taking over the ship.


THOR:  Hey, Lucas... Do you like rides?  You coming December 18?
GANON: ... You people are frickin' idiots!  How hard is it to take over a
freaking starship?  NOT THAT DIFFICULT!  If the Kazon can do it, any morons
should be able to do it!

NEFUARAK:  Master, the conditions aboard the Starlight were grueling.  And
your evil henchpersons were incompetent beyond words.  However, I do
have good news.  I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by
switching to Geico.  And... I save hours by eliminating that ... Nelson thing.

GANON:  At least some good came out of this mission!  

KATHY:  You should have sent me, Master!  I wouldn't have failed you.

GANON:  Yes, you would have....  But I hope this failure taught us some
valuable lessons... like... don't take a pitchfork into a phaser fight.

STINKY PETE:  The damn bastards wouldn't die!  My stench... it failed me!
GANON:  No, Stinky Pete, it failed all of us.  You are a smelly, putrid pile of
worthless dung.

STINKY PETE:  Tell me something I don't know.

GANON:  As you wish...  Stinky Pete... You're fired!
EGAD!!  That's insane!!!!!!!
NEFUARAK:  Master, are you absolutely certain?
GANON:  Of course I'm certain!  I have to be certain.  The tour group is
here.  I can't show any signs of weakness now!

THOR:  Hey, Ganon!  You working today?

GANON:  ...What?  

NEFUARAK:  It's best to ignore him.

GANON:  Right.  Anyway... Stinky Pete's departure leaves our evil
organization a man short.  We're going to need somebody to fill that gap.

NEFUARAK:  I'll put a "Help Wanted" ad in the newspaper right away.
STORM TROOPER:  Lord Vader, now that Star Wars is over... it would seem
that you are out of a job.  

VADER:  True.  I was thinking about going into retirement, but... I'm not
quite ready.  

STORM TROOPER:  Well, I have good news... I was reading the newspaper
this morning and I found something that might be of interest...

VADER:  I'm listening...
CONTINUE TO ACT IV
ALAN:  ...so I had to come all the way to our quarters to take my break.  

ERIN:  Wow.

ALAN:  Say... what are YOU doing here, anyway?  Shouldn't you be on the
bridge?

ERIN:  Probably.  But I had... other things to take care of.

ALAN:  Like what?

ERIN:  Um... Angela needed me.

ALAN:  Oh.  ... ...  You know, Erin, something has been bothering me about
Angela this episode.  Her hair is red.

ERIN:  Your point?

ALAN:  I'm blonde.  You're brunette...