|The USS Starcress, a
"state of the art" starship
designed to fight the Borg.
|The USS Health Hazard. We found
this design on the Internet.
Somebody was trying to pass it
off as the Enterprise-E.
|The USS Saturn, rendered
in 1995 using that
monster application, MS
WAR, WAR, WAR!
Star Trek has managed to go 35 years with only one major war (the Dominion War). We were lucky to go a month. In fact,
many of these wars overlapped, putting that poor Federation on a multi-front war with the galaxy’s major superpowers. This is
a brief overview of the major storylines running throughout TFF’s original 5-year run (from 1993-1997). And with 24 wars, it
was a VERY busy five years.
TAIPEI WAR. Episodes 2 – 3. Taipei declare war after their leader, Taegu is missing for five days.
FIRST ROMULAN WAR. Episodes 3 – 7. The Romulans declared war on the Federation for no apparent reason. They had the
Federation on the run, but they suddenly ended hostilities in Episode 7, again for no apparent reason.
ARUN WAR. Episodes 35 and 37. For some reason, the conflict started on Lego Manor (a FEDERATION COLONY) after a battle
with a Federation starship. The Aruns ended the war after a Romulan intervention.
SECOND ROMULAN WAR. Episode 41. A Galaxy class starship crossed the Neutral Zone and destroyed 55 Romulan ships AND
managed to attack the Romulan Senate… Naturally, the Romulans were upset. Thankfully, the Romulans conveniently forgot to
counterstrike, and the war was never heard of again.
THE BUJUMBRAN WAR. Episodes 44, 50 - 52, 54 - 58, 62. A terrible war between the Ketchup Confederation and the Mustard
Dominion broke out in Episode 44 (at the end of Year 1). For some reason, the Federation gets involved, along with every
other race in the known universe. THANKFULLY, a tropical storm passes through the Bujumbran System and wipes out the
Mustard Fleet—but not after several incarnations of the Rachos Exos Nothabranchus are destroyed amidst MANY episodes of
heated conflict. And to top it all off, the entire Bujumbran System explodes in episode 62. Furthermore, the war caused
hamburger joints across the country to have mustard in short supply.
THIRD ROMULAN WAR. Episodes 45 and 46. Amidst the chaos of the Bujumbran War, the THIRD Romulan War in two years
erupts as a Romulan Vessel the size of MERCURY launches an attack on the station of intergalactic conflict, Lego Manor.
Unfortunately, that manic Galaxy Class Starship that instigated the previous war is nowhere to be found, and the Romulans
trounce the Federation and Lego Manor for two episodes before… again, surrendering for no apparent reason.
FIRST KLINGON WAR. Episodes 47, 49. Another mishap at Lego Manor leads to a Klingon War and the destruction of the
troublesome station. Thankfully, the Romulans conveniently forgot we were at war in the previous episode, and lent the UFP
a hand as the Klingons invaded. The invasion was quelled, but the war continued into Episode 49. Oddly enough, amidst this
chaos, the Klingons and Federation entered the Bujumbran War in this episode, fighting ALONGSIDE ONE ANOTHER (but against
the Romulans, who helped to SAVE the Federation from the Klingon invasion in episode 47).
THE ARUN BLACK HOLE STANDOFF. Episodes 71 and 79). To further complicate matters, the Klingons and Romulans were
working TOGETHER in episode 71 to rid of the Federation. Sadly, they chose to guard a FREAKING BLACK HOLE. They were
successful in preventing a Federation incursion into the Arun hole (thanks to a group of… farting Romulans), but when the USS
Saturn re-visited the region in episode 79, neither the Klingons nor Romulans were there (KLINGON: It’s been five episodes!
They’re not coming back! ROMULAN: Then let us retreat.). The following (and far from profound) observations were made
about the hole:
- NEVER go close to a black hole.
- There was a “Strong Downward Voracity.”
- Ion levels were 67% higher.
- It was black.
THE RANDOM X WAR. Episodes 79 – 81, 83. An incredibly weird war that against the dreaded “Random X” and their henchmen
from subspace, the Elorg. Thankfully, the Random X (later known as United Earth) decide to play nice after Episode 83, while
the Elorg continue to cause trouble.
THE WAR AGAINST MERCURIAL TERRORISTS. Episodes 92, 93, 95, 96. Terrorists hijack the USS Cirrus and want to … well, we
don’t know. They never said. They just wanted to blow stuff up for four episodes, and then vanish (the war was never
concluded, but all was well in episode 97). Meanwhile, the fate of the heralded Bajoran Cookie Cutter was uncertain due to
the terrorist threat.
UNITED EARTH. Episodes 94, 97, 103, 117. Well, the United Earth (formerly Random X) decided being nice was not their style,
so they decided to be mean again, this time intending to unite Earth under their banner. THANKFULLY, they deployed a fleet
of submarines to attack earth, which meant their threats were pretty empty—and of course, by Episode 103, they were on the
run. By episode 117, they were no more.
THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK. Episode 99. Not actually a war, but so stupid that it’s worth mentioning. Yes, the Nova was
attacked by a “Death Star” (that had a giant “laser,” which was invented by Dr. Alan Parsons. In honor of Dr. Parsons, we shall
call it The Alan Parsons Project (Watch “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me.” It’s groovy, baby, yeah!)).
THE SECOND KLINGON WAR. Episode 109. Well, just watch DS9’s “The Way of the Warrior,” and then replay the entire
episode in your mind, but in my basement instead of on DS9.
THE BORG WAR. Episodes 1, 87, 110, 112 – 116. The Borg appear en mass to attack and destroy the Federation. At first we
had the Borg Ray to defend ourselves, but that technology was forgotten by episode 87. Thankfully, the Borg took their good
sweet time getting to the Federation (actually, they invaded the Romulan Neutral Zone… and of course, those no good
Rommies didn't do a THING). Thankfully the war was won after the destruction of the Cirrus. Literally. "DRONE: Well, boys,
we destroyed the Cirrus... And they put up a hell of a fight. We'd better retreat."
THE VELORA. Episode 120. They drove around in “chicken legs” and proclaimed, “our objective is to seek out and destroy
you and your allies. You will convert to Velora ways and follow Velora laws. It will be a slow process, but it will happen.”
And after a fierce battle, they retreated. Obviously, their bark was worse than their bite.
THE ELORG WAR. Episodes 122 and 124. It took three years to complete in the official TFF universe. But it was done and
over with in a meager two episodes here. In this “gripping saga,” the Cirrus and its intrepid (or incredibly dumb) crew enter
the Elorg’s subspace domain (with THREE other ships). Amazingly, they manage to DESTROY the Elorg homeworld. But
naturally, the Cirrus was destroyed in the process.
THE FOURTH ROMULAN WAR AND THE THIRD KLINGON WAR. Episode 129, 131, 144. It was basically a free-for-all. Romulans
against Federation, Federation against Klingon, Klingon against Romulan. And in keeping with the tradition of these Romulan
wars, all of it happened for no apparent reason. Naturally, the Cirrus (they always keep a spare at Utopia Planitia) was heavily
damaged at the war’s end. But apparently, neither the Klingons nor the Romulans liked that peaceful arrangement, so they
declared war on each other in episode 144.
FEDERATION CIVIL WAR. Episodes 133 – 139, 143, 145 – 148, 150. Just watch the entire Babylon 5 civil war arc, and then
rethink the entire thing in your mind… again, in my basement. Of course, you’ll never see THIS on Babylon 5 (an excerpt of
the great battle in episode 136):
“Things with Martial Law have gotten greater than worse. On Saturday morning, the Quasar’s navigational systems were going
crazy, and the ship drifted into Venturi Space, where an attack led by 498 Venturi vessels commenced, with 2 other Venturi
Warbirds they stole from the Romulans. The attack moved into Federation space, where they encountered the Windcress,
which then decided to help. The Venturi were still winning, so more starships came. The Excalibur, followed by the Yankzee
Kiang III arrived. The Windcress had an unfortunate piloting error, and was destroyed when it rammed the Excalibur, thus
entering Martial Law into the picture. Both starships were destroyed. The attack continued, entering the Adelphi into the
battle. The Adelphi continually fired upon the Quasar, causing a warp core breach and a nacelle pylon failure. A saucer
separation commenced, but then the crew remembered that the warp core was on the saucer, so they evacuated to the
stardrive section. Unfortunately, the nacelle pylon failure was still going on in that section, so they were doomed. Captain
Adamek proclaimed the Quasar to be “a flawed piece of junk” in the ship’s final log entry.
“Meanwhile, the Cirrus accidentally stumbles upon a Borg ship assimilating a Cardassian Space Station, Terok Nor II. The Cirrus
flees, but the Borg and the station follow. The Cirrus leads them to the battle, and tries to save the Quasar, but the Adelphi
gets in the way. The Borg tractor beam gets hold of the Cirrus and causes the Cirrus to ram the Borg ship, causing a warp core
breach on the Cirrus. The Quasar gets itself back together, and evacuates everyone from the Cirrus to the Quasar, until the
Venturi strike again, causing the warp core breach to accelerate, so everyone evacuates from the Quasar back to the Cirrus,
who then try to flee at impulse, when the Quasar is hit with a brick, which causes the stardrive section to blow up.
Meanwhile, the Borg are trying to blow up the Cirrus, when the helm driver, Captain N. Badaczewski starts to pound the helm
after the character “Chris” dies of exhaustion on “Oregon Trail,” causing the Cirrus to ram the Yankzee Kiang III. It lost a warp
nacelle and blew up. The Cirrus and ½ of the Quasar fled from the battle for safety. The condition of the Adelphi is unknown.”
THE VELORA STRIKE BACK. Episodes 146, 149, 151. After their humiliating defeat in Episode 120, the Velora come back with a
vengeance (naturally, amidst the Federation Civil War) and without their chicken legs. This time, they kindly brought their
entire fleet of stolen Kazon vessels (which the Kazon had previously stolen from the Trabe) to the Alpha Quadrant for some
whoop-ass, and get what they deserve. AND YOU’LL NEVER SEE THIS IN TFF: Your beloved Captain is chained up by Velora
intruders and stuffed in an access hatch. The Cirrus’ stardrive section was destroyed to repel the Velora invaders; the saucer
crashed into a mountain, and subsequently sustained 96% damage when the auto-destruct feature went off (“But the ship is
saved!”). On the brink of victory, the Velora decided to stop their invasion (actually, it was never resolved, and the Velora
were never heard from again).
THE FOURTH KLINGON WAR. Episodes 150, 157 – 162. After the shocking discovery that Gowron is a changeling, the Cirrus
(again, acting alone), infiltrates Klingon Space to see if it’s true. Naturally, they are stopped, and the much more capable crew
of DS9 find the shapeshifter in “Apocalypse Rising.”
THE SHADOW WAR. Episodes 164 – 166, 168 - 170, 173 – 175. Another obvious Babylon 5 rip-off. In fact, Babylon 5 was even
used as a staging facility for the assault on the Shadow fleet at Corianus 6.
THE ROTUNDRA WAR. Episodes 174, 176, 179. A chair farming colony on Rotundra VI was attacked by Klingon Termites, and
subsequently declared war on the Bajorans. Yes. I kid you not. Thankfully, the war is canceled when another freak tropical
storm (similar to the one that ended the Bujumbran War) threatened the Rotundran Fleet.
THE ZHARGOSIA MASSACRE. Episodes 177, 179, 181, 184 and 185. The final war—and no, it's nothing like TFF's Zhargosia Arc.
Yes, there was the same mysterious buildup for several episodes, but it led to a rather… odd conclusion in this instance. Faced
with a losing battle against Species 8472, the Borg needed to replenish their dwindling supplies. The Borg slaughtered a
massive fleet of Federation starships before Species 8472 arrived, and slaughtered the Borg, the Elorg, the Velora, United
Earth, and the Aruns. As the series came to a close with Episode 185, everyone was dead, and our beloved Captain was
revealed to be a shapeshifter, plotting all along to leave the Federation in ruins as the Dominion attacked DS9 (in “A Call to
Arms”). Of course, the most notable item in the episode was a small paragraph at the bottom that off-handedly mentioned TFF’
s transition to the internet…
|The Cirrus, which looks remarkably
like the Enterprise-D, gets creamed
by very poor renditions of the
Klingons AND the Romulans.
|The Cirrus, shortly before crashing
into the mountainside.
“To destroy strange new worlds, destroy new life and new civilizations, and to destroy while
we went pretty much where TNG went before.”
This wasn’t our official motto, but in retrospect, it certainly fits.
When we last left our not-quite-valiant heroes aboard the grotesquely hideous Mooncress, they had just destroyed about a
bazillion Borg cubes in the Oakland Sector using the dreaded [cue overdramatic horror music] BORG RAY! Now, while the Borg
certainly learned their lesson (they didn’t attack for about a month), the rest of the galaxy continued to provide the United
Federation of Planets with four metric tons of chaos. In the second episode of TFF—which was the first written by the likes of
me—an alien race known as the Taipei decided to go to war with the Federation after their leader, Taegu, vanished for five
days. Since this particular episode was long ago lost to the garbage can, I cannot provide the exact details, but suffice it to
say, it was BAD. Thankfully, Taegu and his people made the most dramatic turnaround in known history—and subsequently
made the Bajorans very upset—by joining the Federation in the VERY NEXT EPISODE. Of course, our continuity was a bit off at
the time, and the Taipei had become the “Taipi” and Taegu was now referred to as “Tegu.” But who really cares? They were
never heard from again.
Now, when all the dust settled, there were about 185 of these episodes, all of them pretty stupid. Now, I would very much
like to recount each and every one of them, but quite frankly, the average individual would likely fall asleep around episode
30—if not sooner (unless the average individual was actually THERE for the mission). And since this series of “behind the
scenes goodies” is about the current rendition of The Final Frontier, babbling mindlessly about the OLD rendition would be
pointless. Thus, I shall refrain from a complete analysis of “Ye Olde Final Frontier” and instead focus on the… erm…
“highlights,” for lack of a better term.
THE STARSHIP GRAVEYARD.
We went through a lot of starships, as mentioned earlier in this guide. Here is the complete and total list of every starship we
commanded, along with its method of destruction. Keep in mind, since everybody wanted to be a Captain, just about everyone
had his or her own ship—thus the reason for so many overlapping dates.
Mooncress. (5/93-6/93). The very first starship. Destroyed during an attack that spawned a Romulan War.
Carcity Station. (5/93-11/93). It blew up. No further details were given.
Mooncress-A. (6/93). Destroyed by killer snakes. Yes. I kid you not. Killer snakes.
Bush. (6/93-7/93). Destroyed by a freak warp core breach.
Rachos Exos Nothabranchius 2. (7/93-1/94). Struck by some photon torpedoes. Source is apparently unknown. And don’t ask
what happened to the REN1. Nobody seems to remember. The episodes simply start with the REN2…
Rachos Exos Nothabranchius 3. (9/93-7/94). Destroyed by the Mustard Dominion.
Rachos Exos Nothabranchius 4. (10/93-7/94). Its mutinous renegade crew joined the evil Mustard Dominion.
Bush-A. (10/93-1/94). Destroyed by a Cardassian Galor-class ship.
Rachos Exos Nothabranchius 5. (10/93-7/94). Destroyed by the Mustard Dominion.
Rachos Exos Nothabranchius 6. (12/93-7/94). Destroyed by the Mustard Dominion.
Starcress. (1/94-8/94). Self-destructed to avoid being captured by the President of the Federation…
Rachos Exos Nothabranchius 7. (1/94-12/94). Destroyed—get this—after entering a black hole. What a concept!
Lego Manor Station. (1/94-5/94). A Federation starship mysteriously exploded while inside the shield grid, crippling the
station just moments before attacked and destroyed by the Klingons.
Bush-B. (2/94-5/94). Destroyed defending Lego Manor from Klingon attack (this however, was not the ship that exploded inside
the shield grid. THAT vessel was a mysterious unnamed vessel).
Wolfe. (3/94-5/94). Destroyed by Romulans.
Nixon. (6/94-8/94). Destroyed by a “space tornado.”
Mooncress 2. (9/94-11/94). Crashed into a planet after being attacked by Klingons (conveniently, just hours after the same
thing happened to the Enterprise-D).
Starcress 2. (8/94-12/94). Due to a major enemy attack. No further details were given in the episode.
Marlboro (aka: Health Hazard). (9/94-10/95). Destroyed by unknown forces (later revealed to be the Borg).
Republic. (11/94). Destroyed by the Dominion.
Junkheap. (12/94-4/96). Destroyed during the Federation civil war.
Nova. (12/94-11/95). Destroyed by the Borg.
Super Starcress 3. (12/94-11/95). Destroyed by the Borg.
Deep Space Ten. (12/94) Destroyed by Cardassians.
Mooncress-C. (1/95-5/95). Destroyed by the Starcress after terrorists hijacked the ship.
Suncress. (1/95-10/95). Destroyed by shockwave caused by destruction of Marlboro.
Windcress. (2/95-10/95). Destroyed by shockwave caused by destruction of Marlboro.
Excelsior. (2/95-7/95). Destroyed by unknown forces.
Saturn. (2/95-11/95). Destroyed by the Borg.
Cirrus. (3/95-11/95). Destroyed by the Borg.
Kirk. (5/95-11/95). Get this—destroyed by the Borg!!
Windcress-A. (10/95-4/96). Destroyed after a “piloting error” forced it to collide with another ship.
Quasar. (11/95-7/97). Destroyed by the Borg in the final episode.
Cirrus-A. (12/95-12/96). Destroyed by the Quasar to prevent a Klingon takeover.
Lollipop. (12/95-Present). This starship was never destroyed.
Stratus. (3/96). Destroyed by the renegade USS Quasar.
Windcress-B. (4/96-6/96). Destroyed by the Velora.
Continental Breakfast. (11/96-4/97). Vaporized by the Elorg.
Stardust. (2/97-7/97). Destroyed by Species 8472 in the final episode.
For the record, that’s 39 ships/stations. The longest-lived was the Quasar, lasting more than 2 years, while the Stratus, Deep
Space Ten, and the Mooncress-A all lasted less than a month.