Captain's Log, Stardate 75047.4: The Starlight is en route to
Empire Carpet World to complain about the horrid job they did
while installing our new carpet. I'm sure green is an excellent
color, but not on my bridge.
ERIN: This looks like grass if you ask me!
TALYERE: I do not know WHAT it looks like, but my feet appear
to be stuck to it. I hope the Captain has a valid course of action
for us when he comes to the bridge in the next panel.
ERIN: So do I.
ALAN: Neelar, aren't you supposed to be blue?
NEELAR: I was blue for the past three years, but after plenty
of counselling sessions, I'm feeling much better now,
ALAN: Most excellent. Erin, status report?!
ERIN: We are approaching Empire Carpet World.
ALAN: Oh goodie. On screen.
ERIN: Don' t you have some sort of exotic plan?
ALAN: Yes. But the creators couldn't afford to hire Jolene
Blalock. So just put the planet on screen, and we'll go from
MATTHEW: That's it?!?!?
TALYERE: If this episode had a higher budget, we could afford
better special effects. Just wait until the phaser fight in scene
MATTHEW: I look forward to it.
TALYERE: Have you read the script?
MATTHEW: Not all of it.
TALYERE: Scene three does not bode well for you.
ALAN: They had to fit Doctor Hartman into the episode
MATTHEW: But why me?
ALAN: Don't worry. You're a regular character. You can't die.
MATTHEW: What about Rachael Meyer?
ALAN: Well... that was a fluke. Don't worry about it. Just take
lots of targets... I mean, red-suited Ensigns with you.
ALAN: Matthew, even though something horrid is going to
happen to you in scene three, I want you to prepare to take an
away team down to the surface.
MATTHEW: If I'm written off the show, I'm going to have my fans
ALAN: So we'll have three less viewers. Just get down to the
MATTHEW: Commander Tompkins, Lieutenant Bator, Mr.
Talyere, you're with me! Since the creators do not have enough
money in the budget to operate the transporter, we must take
the Aztec to the surface.
LUCAS: Heh... sounds like the creators are strapped for cash.
MATTHEW: Not really. They just blew most of the budget on
twinkies and garbonzo beans. But if we make three soup
references, Campbell's may be willing to sponsor the show.
LUCAS: I grabbed a few extra weapons from the armory.
MATTHEW: Are you expecting trouble?
LUCAS: Well, something terrible beyond belief *IS* supposed
to happen to you in scene three. But I'm going to be ready for
LUCAS: I've got an RK-3600 pulsating ion canon, a mark-34
phaser rifle, and enough power cells to last five weeks.
BATOR: I have a phaser, but it also doubles as a megaphone.
Just in case we need to speak with the baddies over a long
TALYERE: And I stole a light saber from the Star Wars set. Mr.
Lucas won't miss it.
MATTHEW: And with the mighty Excalibur in mine hand, I shall
remain safe during ALL of scene three!! HA!!! To the shuttle.
BATOR: Given the size of the shuttlebay, one would think we
could fit more than one shuttle and a raft in here.
LUCAS: What do you think this is? VOYAGER? Shuttles don't
grow on trees, you know!
TALYERE: Is that why we have an inflatable raft?
MATTHEW: Hush. Just get into the Aztec.
MATTHEW: Excuse me, sir...
CREWMAN: It's ma'am, to you, Commander.
LUCAS: We've got *ALL* the hot chicks on this ship..
MATTHEW: We must use the Aztec to reach the surface.
CREWMAN: Just a minute. I'm almost done with the repairs.
MATTHEW: Excellent. I shall speak with the ...officer at the
controls about opening the doors..
MATTHEW: Excuse me, ma'am...
MATTHEW: If you looked more like a "sir," there would not be
CREWMAN: I can't help it if I'm from Canada!
MATTHEW: That explains it. Well, we require you to open the
shuttle bay doors.
CREWMAN: With pleasure.
LUCAS: Damn, they don't make these things as big as they
TALYERE: Perhaps we should take the raft?
MATTHEW: I do not wish to go by that bearded woman.
LUCAS: Me neither. Just squeeze into the Aztec. We'll all fit.
MATTHEW: There. We're ready go to. Initiating pre-flight
BATOR: Should the hatch be open like that?
MATTHEW: A little fresh air never hurt anybody.
LUCAS: And I *DID* have that three-bean salad for lunch.
BATOR: Point taken.
MATTHEW: We're ready for lift-off!
LUCAS: I can't believe this old tin can is moving!
MATTHEW: Neither can I!
TALYERE: Commander, watch out for that Ensign up ahead!
MATTHEW: Don't worry! Given our course and heading, I think
we'll go right over her head!
BATOR: Or through it...
MATTHEW: Fear not, the producers only hired her for one
episode, anyway. Now sit tight. We're about to leave the ship!
BEARDED WOMAN: They just don't make Ensigns like they
GIRLY CANADIAN: I told her to sign a multi-episode contract,
but she wanted to keep her options open in case this gig made
her into a big star.
BEARDED WOMAN: Oh well. This just means more screen
time for us.