EMPIRE CARPET WORLD...

TALYERE:  I said the special effects were bad.
BATOR:  At least we know were in good hands...
MATTHEW:  Silence.  I'm preparing to land the shuttle!
MATTHEW:  And the landing cycle is complete.
LUCAS:  That was a surprisingly soft landing...
MATTHEW:  That is what happens when one has skill.
TALYERE:  Should there be heads rolling around on the
ground?
BATOR:  It would seem that we landed on a group of
innocent pedestrians.
MATTHEW:  Ooh, this one has a nice shield.  It will
complement my sword nicely.
TALYERE:  Is this not in violation of some Starfleet
regulations?
MATTHEW:  Probably, but look at that shield!
OFFICER:  This is the police.  Do not move, or else I will
speak tersely for the next two panels.
MATTHEW:  We should do what he says...
HOODED GUY: What's going on down there?
GUY WITH DORKY GREEN HAT: I don't know...
DARTH VADER: Those are Starfleet Officers.  [breathing
noise] And judging by their smell, they've been near a girly
Canadian within the past 10 panels...
HOODED GUY: EGAD!!!!  What do they want?
DARTH VADER: [breathing noise]  They are undoubtedly here
to complain about their new carpet.  [breathing noise]
GUY WITH DORKY GREEN  HAT: [sniff, sniff]  Are you SURE
you're smelling the Starfleet officers?  All I smell is horse crap.
DARTH VADER: They are one in the same...
MATTHEW:  After killing so many innocent pedestrians, I did
not believe we would get away with such ease.
BATOR:  These are primitive people.
TALYERE:  Commander, watch out!  There is a small Honda
Accord on a direct intercept course!  If you do not move
within the next three panels, you will be flattened!
TALYERE: Commander Tompkins, did you not have two
oversized weapons when we boarded the Aztec?
LUCAS:  It must have floated away when Bator opened the
window for some extra fresh air.
BATOR:  Well, if you hadn't had that three-bean salad....
MATTHEW:  By the way, I am apparently safe.
LUCAS:  Just to be safe, let's vaporize the car.
BATOR: Okay.
TALYERE: Man, these FX are wretched!
MATTHEW:  Excellent work.  That Honda Accord shall never
threaten me again.  Now let us proceed... Empire Carpet
World Headquarters should be around here somewhere...
BATOR:  The sound stage isn't that big.  We should stumble
upon it soon enough.
TALYERE:  Instead of wandering mindlessly, perhaps we
could ask these fine citizens.
MATTHEW: Good idea.  Old woman!  Old woman!!
OLD WOMAN:  Man.
MATTHEW:  Man, sorry.  I've been having trouble with mannish
women recently, you see, back in the shuttlebay---
MAN:  I'm thirty-seven.
MATTHEW:  What?
MAN:  You called me an "old" woman.  I'm 37!  That's not old.
MATTHEW:  Well, I don't know your name, and I can't just call
you "man"!!
MAN:  Well, you could have asked.
MATTHEW:  By-the-by, might you know where Empire Carpet
World is located?
MAN:  Well, this whole planet is called "Empire Carpet World,"
is it not?  I'm supposing you're there right now... You ARE
here, arent' you.
MATTHEW:  ... I guess...
MAN:  Now, supposing that you are indeed here, would that
not indicate that you have reached Empire Carpet World?
MATTHEW:  Well, I suppose it might...

* * *

LUCAS:  Say, is that a plunger you're using as a cane?
ONE-LEGGED PIRATE: Aye.  They don't make canes for us
poor one-legged saps, so you have to use a plunger.
LUCAS:  Mind if I borrow it?
PIRATE:  Is your leg about to fall off?
LUCAS:  No, you see, I had this three-bean salad...

* * *
TALYERE:  Perhaps we should split up and search for Empire
Carpet World without help from the locals...
LUCAS:  Well, if waste extraction malfunctions, it's not my
fault.  That pirate was downright selfish if you ask me.
BATOR:  We should be looking for Empire Carpet World...
LUCAS:  Hey, check out the headlights on THAT scantily clad
chick up ahead!
BATOR:  She is facing away from us.
LUCAS:  These sunglasses aren't mere decoration...
MATTHEW:  My Matty-Sense is tingling!  We're close to
Empire Carpet World!
TALYERE:  Would you care to scale any skyscrapers before
we continue?
MATTHEW:  My Matty-Sense is tingling!  We're close to
Empire Carpet World!
BATOR:  Commander Tompkins is presently enduring some
gastrointestinal distress.
MATTHEW:  Nonsense!  We must proceed with due haste!
DARTH VADER: They draw nearer...  [breathing noise]
[breathing nose] [juicy burp].    That was messy.... oh, and
this helmet is a rental, too!!
PEDESTRIANS: Look, up in the sky!

It's a bird!
It's a plane!
It's Superman!
  No, wait... It's DARTH VADER!!!!
LUCAS:  Darth Vader?  Who is that?
MATTHEW:  He must be the owner of Empire Carpet World!  
Restore our carpet, or die, heathen!
DARTH VADER:  I shall do no such thing.  As long as there
are sea cucumbers off the coast of Venezuela, there shall be
ugly carpet on your starship!
STEVEN SPEILBERG: Cut!  Cut!!!  One of our extras has been
incinerated by the dragon!
NURSE:  That's the 47th one this week!
STEVEN SPEILBERG: Well, take care of him.  We need him on
the set tomorrow morning.
NURSE:  Steve, he's dead.
He's dead, Steve.
Damn it, Steve!  He's dead!
STEVEN SPEILBERG: Really?  Oh well.
STEVEN SPEILBERG:   As for the rest of you, all I can say is
CRAP!  In fact, your acting is so BAD, you'd need a LADDER to
reach the CRAP level!  Mr. Bator, you're lucky I'm sleeping
with you, otherwise you'd be fired!
MATTHEW:  You're sleeping with HIM, too?
STEVEN SPEILBERG:  No.  And YOU, with the helmet... DARTH
VADER?  You're in the wrong universe, man!
DARTH:  I was the only evil henchperson available.  And
actually, I'm Darth Maul.  Talyere is using the Vader head.
TALYERE:  I am.  It's quite nice, actually.
DARTH:  But as long as I've got the helmet on, I can be a
reasonably convincing Vader.
STEVEN SPEILBERG:  Well... okay.  But we're going to have to
make a few changes.  Instead of a long talky scene with the
Commander, we're going to need a dramatic light-saber
fight.  On the rooftops!  YES!! Yes!! ACTION!!!
MATTHEW:  You can't beat me, Darth! I'm the best
swordsman in all of Rhode Island!
VADER: We shall see about that...
[insert dramatic music here]

MATTHEW:  You're slipping, Darth.
DARTH:  I soiled my helmet on my way to meet you.  You
must forgive my poor performance.
TALYERE:  You know, Lucas, I was just going over the
script...
LUCAS:  And?
TALYERE:  I have made a grave error.
LUCAS:  Oh?
TALYERE:   Our beloved Commander's date with death is not
in Scene Three as I had previously stated.
LUCAS:  When is it?
TALYERE:  Oooh.....

MATTHEW:  AaAGHGHAA!!!!
MATTHEW: Ow!   My hand!
VADER:  You should have seen that one coming...  I used
that trick way back  in "The Empire Strikes Back."
MATTHEW:  I'm sorry!  I never watched it!
VADER:  And now you shall DIE because of it!

LUCAS:  I see..
BATOR:  I can't...
LUCAS:  It's not my fault you stood in back.

[ZAP]!!!!
GROMIL:  Hey, good shot laddie!  Ya hit Old Man Warner in
the crotch!
BOB:  It's no biggie.  He didn't have much down there,
anyway.
GROMIL:  How can you be certain?  Have yah ever taken yer
pants off, lad?
BOB:  ...Come to think of it, I haven't.
GROMIL:  Well I have.  My entire torso suddenly separated
from me legs!  It was horrid!  It's a conspiracy, I tell yah...
LUCAS:  This is not good...
BATOR:  What are we going to do now?
TALYERE:  Well, the Captain undoubtedly has devised a
brilliant plan while we were gone.  We shall just wait for him
to come and rescue us...
BACK ON THE STARLIGHT
OUSIDE THE CAPTAIN'S QUARTERS
ALAN:  Now THAT is Mmmm, Mmmm GOOD!!!
ERIN:  I don't think that counts as a soup reference...